Ready Or Not, Here Come The Holidays!

As the holidays approach, our thoughts may turn to traditional meals, beautiful decorations, and loving gatherings of family and friends. Unfortunately, the holidays can also usher in unrealistic expectations, heightened stress, family pressure and afterward, a bad case of the post-holiday blues.

How can we make the most of the positive aspects of the holiday season while minimizing its negative potential?

Minimizing the negative potential during the holidays simply requires a little preparation combined with some realistic expectations. To prepare your family I recommend that you sit down together and discuss the following questions:

1) What is this holiday about? What or who is it for?

2) What is your goal for the holiday season?

As simple as these questions sound, and as obvious as the answers may appear to be, many times individual family members enter the holidays with quite different ideas about the holiday. One mother told me that when she was honest with herself, she came to the realization that her "goal" for the season had been to "get through it without fighting with her parents." Her five year old son's goal was to "get a color Game-Boy," and her 8 year old daughter's goal was to "spend family time together." Beginning the season with these disparate and unspoken agendas had created family tension in the past. Once Mom and children heard their goals they realized that some adjustment was necessary -- not only to create a common focus for the family during the season, but also to realign their individual goals with their values regarding the holiday. Ultimately, they decided that the holiday was a spiritual event for them, and that their common goal would be to infuse each day with a sense of that spirituality. In addition, now that they were aware of each other's "sub-goals" they could find ways to respond to those desires as well.

When you share your private thoughts about the season with the other members in your family it will help you create a common focus based on the values you hold. This common focus then becomes an important component of "de-stressing" the season.

That said, however, it doesn't mean that your children will breeze through the holidays without a materialistic thought, or that your in-laws (or parents) won't still provide a challenge. Let's take these two issues separately.

It is an unfortunate fact that we live in a society where commercialism swirls around us in much the same way that the air we breathe surrounds us . It is part of both our conscience and our subconscious desires. Our children, too, breathe this "commercial air." Thus, when the days grow shorter and the air grows colder, an occasional bout of the "greedy-gimmes" is to be as expected as the common cold. How we, as parents, respond to our children when they get a case of the greedy-gimmes will determine how long it lasts and whether it pervades the holiday season. Here are a few tips:

1) Refrain from labeling your children as "greedy". Thinking of them as overly enthusiastic will help you avoid resentment and respond to them in a calmer, more loving manner.

2) Remember that you can respond empathetically to your child's desires for the "biggest," "best," "newest," or "jazziest" toy without actually purchasing it for them. Giving your child a warm hug and responding with "You are so full of enthusiasm" or "That new toy does look cool" doesn't mean you have to compromise your values or your pocketbook. At the same time, don't make promises you aren't about to keep. If your child is pushing for a toy you know you won't buy, you'll need to sit down and discuss your reasons with her.

3) Limits are ok. If you're tired of hearing about Pokemon, say so.

4) Develop a tradition around receiving, opening and expressing thanks for gifts. Tell your children what you expect, and how you want them to show appreciation.

Now, what about those grandparents? It's true that getting together with your parents or in-laws can mean that there is a warm, intergenerational sharing of stories, laughter and joy. It's also true that many grandparents can be critical and /or undermine your parenting either intentionally or unintentionally. Try these pointers for a more successful holiday season:

1) Anticipate and be prepared. You probably already have a general sense of the kinds of issues that may come up when you're with extended family. You can use this to your advantage by determining which "battles" are worth fighting and which ones are not. For example, if your mother-in-law insists upon giving chocolate to your children at every meal, but you're only going to be there for a day and a half, you might want to consider ahead of time that you won't make an issue out of it. On the other hand, if your father likes to awaken your children at midnight to watch horror flicks on television, you might want to plan on having a discussion with him about this issue ahead of time. Many times the tension that arises when extended family is present occurs because we haven't decided ahead of time what our boundaries are and how we will enforce those boundaries.

2) Prepare the children. Telling a child that there are different rules in Grandma's house, or reminding him that Grandpa sometimes doesn't feel good and gets cranky can help your child know what to expect when the relatives are around. You needn't go into detail, or divulge your private relationship with your parents or in-laws, simply state facts that your child has witnessed in the past.

3) Create structure. Have a plan for the days you'll be together. It's often during the "down time" that anxieties, frustration and tension arise. Knowing that you're taking the kids to the zoo later, or that everyone's going out for coffee and hot chocolate at 3:00 can create distraction and provide a focus for the group.

Above all, remind yourself of the goals your family created together. When frustration or tension arise, ask yourself what you could do to refocus on those goals.