Disagreements And The "THINK - FEEL - DO" Cycle

Disagreements among children are common, and may be looked upon as a normal part of the socialization process. Yet too frequently they also represent a missed opportunity for parents to teach their children something about relationships, and to help their children engage in healthy communication with others.

Often, a simple misunderstanding begins a negative cycle of behavior on the part of all the children involved that can escalate into a more serious disagreement and sometimes even break up a friendship. In order for us to help our children break out of that cycle, it's helpful to understand how negative cycles are perpetuated.

We call the cycles that occur in our lives "THINK - FEEL - DO" cycles. Let's take a look at a disagreement between two children and see how a "THINK - FEEL - DO" cycle works, and how parents can help the children can break into that cycle so that a disagreement isn't perpetuated.

Two children, Samantha and Erica, agree to split the cost of a candy bar, but only Samantha has money with her. Erica agrees to pay Samantha back, but several days go by and she still owes Samantha the money. Samantha feels frustrated and angry that Erica has not mentioned the money she owes her.

This "scenario" is what we call the "EVENT" in a "THINK - FEEL - DO" cycle. When an event happens, many people believe that the feelings they have (in this case Samantha's frustration and anger) are a result of the event. And when we have feelings, it's not uncommon to act upon them -- to "DO" something with our feelings:

Because Samantha feels so frustrated and angry at Erica, she decides that she's not going to speak to her at school the next day. In addition, she calls a mutual friend and complains about Erica, calling her "selfish" and "greedy."

Samantha's action -- not speaking to Erica at school and calling their friend to complain about her -- represents the "DO" part of the "THINK - FEEL - DO" cycle. When we take action based upon our feelings, the thing that we "DO" then perpetuates the next EVENT in the second round of cyclical behavior:

Erica is bewildered when Samantha won't speak to her the next day at school. Then, she learns that Samantha called her "selfish" and "greedy." In turn, she tells a classmate that Samantha is "stupid" and not worth being friends with.

This represents the NEXT EVENT in the second round of this disagreement. As you can see, when the children's feelings are negative, it's highly likely that their behavior will be negative (the "DO" in the cycle) and this triggers a second negative event. Negative feelings perpetuate negative cycles in this manner.

The question is, does it need to be this way? How can parents help children break out of these negative cycles and engage in healthier behavior? The answer lies in identifying a portion of the cycle that is frequently ignored -- our thoughts about the event. Our thoughts about the events that happen in our lives are really a "window of opportunity" for changing entire cycles and preventing disagreements. They represent the "THINK" part of a "THINK - FEEL - DO" cycle. A complete cycle, then, looks like this:

NEXT EVENT

EVENT

DO THINK

FEEL

Let's look at how Samantha's mother might use her knowledge of the "THINK - FEEL - DO" cycle to help Samantha take advantage of her window of opportunity and prevent a disagreement from occurring:

Samantha comes home from school in a bad mood. As she's eating dinner with her mother, her angry feelings about Erica suddenly bubble over. She tells her Mom what a deadbeat Erica is, and how she's never going to speak to her again. Mom listens carefully, and reflects Samantha's feelings: "Sounds like you're pretty angry at her, and frustrated that she didn't pay you back."

Mom's acknowledgement of Samantha's feelings doesn't break into her "THINK - FEEL - DO" cycle, but it's important because it establishes that Mom understands Samantha, is willing to listen rather than criticize, and lays the foundation for Mom to be able to help at some point.

Samantha continues to vent her feelings, with Mom acknowledging them as she continues. Finally, Mom says "Sam, it sounds like those are pretty strong feelings. I'm wondering what exactly you think happened that Erica never mentioned the money to you." Here, Mom is actually asking Samantha to back up in her cycle, to reflect upon the "THINK" portion, and address the thoughts behind her feelings in this situation.

Samantha replies, "I know what happened. She never intended to pay me back in the first place, she was just using me." Now Mom knows why Samantha is so angry and frustrated -- her thoughts about Erica's intentions are very negative. Mom also knows, however, that DIFFERENT thoughts will trigger different feelings in this cycle.

In order to help Samantha THINK differently, and break into her cycle, she says, "If that's the case, then no wonder you're angry! Did you ask Erica if she intended to pay you back? Because I'm wondering if Erica maybe just forgot about owing you money." Note that Mom validates Samantha's feelings of anger again before suggesting that perhaps Samantha's thoughts about the incident are erroneous.

"I didn't ask her," Samantha replies, "but how could she forget? It just doesn't make sense." Already, the cycle is changing for Samantha -- Mom's suggestion of a different way to "THINK" about the event have caused Samantha's feelings to change from anger to doubt.

"Well, I don't know either," Mom says, "But maybe it's worth asking her why she didn't pay you back." With this, Mom has taken advantage of Samantha's changed feelings and suggested that Samantha "DO" something different, which will in turn lead to a different and possibly more positive cycle.

Once parents are aware of the "THINK - FEEL - DO" cycle, and apply their knowledge by helping their children change their thoughts, it's not long before children begin to look at the EVENTS that happen to them from different angles. This change in thought patterns often leads to more satisfying relationships, in which disagreements are worked out verbally, rather than escalating into unhealthy patterns.