Handling reluctance, nervousness and homesickness
Each year parents in New York pay thousands of dollars to send their children to day or sleep -away camp. Most children go willingly and happily. For others, however, the scenario is different. The day camp child begins to exhibit anxiety and distress. They may refuse to go, some may exhibit physical symptoms like stomach pain or headaches, others become morose and withdrawn. From sleep-away camp, letters arrive home pleading to be picked up. Phone calls home are tearful and distressing for parent and child alike. Parents begin to question themselves: was this the right decision? Am I causing my child actual long term harm?
But with thousands of dollars at stake, or with no place else to put your child during the summer when you work, what should you do? And, even if you don't mind losing the money, or you don’t work and could accommodate your child at home for the summer, is taking them out of camp or leaving them in camp the right decision? Here are a couple of things to keep in mind if you're faced with this dilemma.
The vast majority of children who are distressed about camp are not experiencing any actual harm there. Their reactions and emotions make it seem like you need to call 911, though, so it's easy for you to panic if they’re distressed. Here's an alternative to panicking:
First, do your due diligence to determine whether you think your child is coming to harm at the camp, or if they're just uncomfortable, missing you, and having difficulty adjusting and being resilient.
Due diligence involves, first and foremost, Listening With Heart. Often, as parents, we try to “cheerlead” our child out of their negative emotions. We say things like, “It's going to get better, I promise!” “I loved camp, you will too!” When we Listen With Heart, however, we acknowledge their discomfort, essentially opening up the lines of communication so that we can get a more accurate picture in case anything is actually wrong.
There are three ways to Listen With Heart:
- Say “Tell Me More.” Example: your child is complaining about camp. They don't like it, they don't want to go, they want to come home. You say: "Tell me more.” Your child may remain general, “I just don’t like it. I miss you.”
- Repeating Back. “You miss me.” Repeating Back is a powerful, yet underused technique. Kids feel validated and heard when they hear the very thing they just said repeated back to them in an empathetic tone. Even if, in the first scenario using Tell Me More, they get more specific and open up some, Repeating Back is a great way to get them to feel understood by you. Remember this rule of thumb: If a child doesn’t feel like you “get it” they will ESCALATE their feelings in order for you to understand. So all of the cheerleading you might be tempted to do will inevitably backfire.
- Validate Feelings. Say, “It sounds like it’s hard to adjust,” "I hear you're having a tough time,” “It seems like your homesick,” “Sounds like you’re feeling sad being away from me.”
Remember that your goal in this process is to try and get some insight as to whether something is happening to your child at camp or whether it’s run-of-the-mill “I’d rather be home playing video games” or “I miss my parents” stuff. To achieve this goal, the most important thing you can do is to Listen With Heart. It’s more important than talking. The more we keep our mouths closed and truly listen, the more likely we are to get the real story.
Second, due diligence involves checking in with the camp director. How does your child seem during the day or at night? Are they generally happy and enjoying the activities? Sometimes children are having a fine time at camp, but it's only when they call home or come home that they remember they miss their parents, the dog, their siblings, etc. If, according to the camp director, your child is fine when at camp, it’s probably just that seeing you or hearing your voice on the phone is the most distressing part of the experience.
Now, if you come to believe that your child is being harmed in some way - there’s no question: take them out of camp! However, remember that the vast majority of complaints are not ones in which a child is being harmed, but are more about the challenge of being resilient. Maybe it's not an idyllic situation. Maybe they have to swim three times a week and they don’t really like swimming. Maybe they’re having difficulty working something out with another camper. These are not reasons to take them out of camp. They are opportunities to help them learn to problem solve, to be resilient in less than ideal situations and to stand up for themselves.
If your child is in day camp, you can take advantage of the afternoons or weekends to brainstorm solutions with your child. This does NOT mean giving your child advice, like "Why don't we see if you can sit next to Suzy on the bus, that'll make you feel better." As parents, the solutions that may seem helpful to us are not necessarily helpful to our children. It's far better to ask your child "What do you think you might be able to do about this?" Framed in this manner, your child then has the opportunity to either be more forthcoming about the issue at hand or to "own" a solution. Should your child be negative and say there's nothing they can do, offer advice in question form: "What do you think would happen if you...." Some successful solutions other parents have offered in when they were in this situation include letting their child take a picture of the family with them to camp, giving the child something belonging to Mom or Dad that they can keep in their camp bag, or writing a note that their child can read at camp.
If your child is at sleep away camp, talk to the camp. Remember that most camp directors are trained to handle just this type of difficulty and may have some wonderful "tried and true" solutions other than the ones mentioned in this article. In addition, speaking to the director or even the camp counselor may provide you with further insight as to why your child is experiencing difficulty. Often, the solution is simpler than we might imagine, and will lead to your child having a successful and happy camp experience.