Julie Ross M.A. - Parenting Horizons

When Your "Ex" Is A "Jerk"

Do you have joint custody with a "jerk?" Is your ex uncooperative and difficult? You're not alone. And the task of raising a child - negotiating the details of visitation, school, money, health issues, etc. with a an uncooperative ex-spouse is, more than likely, the most difficult task you've ever faced. If your ex is a jerk, then when you say "black," she says "white." World War III erupts when you speak with him. Her maturity has regressed to the level of an eight year old. His values are so different from yours that you can't believe you ever married him in the...

Extracurricular Overload

As NYC families, most of us are intimately familiar with the wealth of opportunity that is available for our children here in the city. By five years old, many children have been exposed to the finest art, music, theater, museums. Even our children's palates have experienced more than many children growing up in other parts of the country - sushi, lox, exotic cuisine from around the world, all are accessible and at least part of our children's vocabulary, if not exactly to their taste. Because we live in a city that truly has the finest of everything, it's...

Homework: The Parental Challenge

Many parents feel extremely challenged by their children's disinterest in and / or adamant refusal to do homework. Having been told by their children's teachers how vital a role they play in their children's success in school, they feel responsible for making their child attend to their homework. Using a variety of techniques, which usually include badgering, threatening, nagging, pleading, demanding, and yelling, among others, they succeed only at alienating their child and inadvertently pushing their child further down the road of rebellion. But what's a parent...

Disagreements And The "THINK - FEEL - DO" Cycle

Disagreements among children are common, and may be looked upon as a normal part of the socialization process. Yet too frequently they also represent a missed opportunity for parents to teach their children something about relationships, and to help their children engage in healthy communication with others.

Often, a simple misunderstanding begins a negative cycle of behavior on the part of all the children involved that can escalate into a more serious disagreement and sometimes even break up a friendship. In order for us to help our children break out of...

Creating A Sense Of Belonging In A Media-Saturated Culture

A woman with a five year old asked me if it was normal that her son was expressing a desire to run away from home, telling her "I hate you" and screaming that she didn't understand him when he felt angry. She said that she wasn't expecting that type of behavior until he was a teenager.

More and more often now I'm being asked the question "is it normal for a young child to be so rude, to want to run away, to have such an `attitude'?" Unfortunately the answer is not altogether clear cut. On the one hand, children of all ages speak in a kind of code....

Guilt And Worry - Part II

Parental guilt, like worry, is a significant part of parenting. As mentioned last month, each of these emotions has positive as well as negative effects. On the positive side, parental guilt can serve to help us correct the mistakes that we might make with our children. For example, let's say you wrongly accuse your child of something and later discover that he's innocent. Your ensuing feeling of guilt can lead you to do the right thing * apologize and promise you won't hastily jump to such conclusions in the future. Guilt also has a negative side, however, and...

Battling the Bedtime Blues - Part III

In Parts I and II we've been talking about children who have trouble staying in bed. We discussed setting up a consistent bedtime routine, eliminating sugar, caffeine and television, and defined an effective disciplinary technique for the challenging child. In this article, we're going to discuss children who express fear at bedtime.

By about age fourteen months, many children develop nighttime fears. According to Frank and Theresa Caplan, in their book "The Second Twelve Months of Life", this occurs because children at this age become capable of playing imaginatively. When...

Running Off

When children of any age temporarily disappear for any reason -- as in the case of the three year old who dashes off down the street, or the teenager who stays out overnight without phoning -- parents' feelings of panic and fear are unimaginable -- unless you've been through it yourself. Clearly, if a child disappears (at any age) for a long period of time, you must contact the police. But often children run off temporarily, and parents must consider how to handle these incidents based upon the age of their child.

When toddlers and early elementary school...

Combating The Influence Of Peers In Our Children's Lives

My daughter came home from Kindergarten the other day, slicing the air with her palms, kicking the air and yelling "HIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!" Turning to me, she smiled and said with a gleam in her eye, "I'm going to 'Karate' the table, Mom." As I have never introduced her to the idea of "Karate-ing" anything, it was clear that peer influence had begun.

For most of us, friendships are reciprocal. We influence and are influenced by friends. Our children are no different. As they make friends at school, their behavior is influenced by these friends. This is to be...

Setting Up For School Success

Of all the myriad aspects that make up the school year -- routines, extracurricular activities, early mornings, pick up and drop off plans -- the one that challenges parents the most is homework. And most parents (and children too!) close their eyes to its inevitable occurrence thereby finding themselves ensnarled in power struggles and tantrums with each other once homework passes through the portals of their previously calm home. Let's look at an alternative to the closed eyes route and see how you might be able to set your child up for success even before...

Enforcing House Rules With Playdates

How can I enforce the rules of my house with my son's friends?

Truthfully, enforcing "house rules" should not be so different with your child's friends than enforcing them with your child. The key in both cases is to communicate your expectations respectfully, honestly and clearly, and to set up ahead of time some well-defined consequences for rules that get broken. Let's look at the different components as they might apply to a child who takes out too many toys at a time.

* Respect. Many times parents feel doubtful about enforcing "house rules"...

Teaching Your Child How To Budget Money

One of the biggest problems facing parents today is curbing the sense of entitlement that children feel. From designer jeans, to extended curfews, to credit cards, many children have an attitude of "I deserve to have the things my friends have" or simply "I deserve to have stuff as well as money to spend." In part, this attitude is encouraged and reinforced by the media, whose primary message is "you gotta have it or you're not cool." However, parents also play a part, often overindulging their children by buying them material things whenever they want them or...

I Don't Have Any Friends

"I took my daughter to school for her first day. We got to the schoolyard, and her class isn't very big, and the girls were all huddled together, chatting. My daughter walked up to greet them, and they were so mean to her. Catty and cruel - you know how girls can be. I was furious. My daughter came home crying that day, and I just don't know how to help her."

"I watched my son in the schoolyard and it was so clear that he was having difficulty breaking into a group. Several boys were playing basketball, some others were looking through their Pokemon cards...

Maintaining Parental Power And Transmitting Our Values

At a seminar I gave, I spoke about the necessity of transmitting our values to our children, not only with words, but with actions. I talked about the need for children to have limits and for parents to remain firm in their convictions when they made decisions, especially decisions that are based on values. A woman raised her hand and said "But how do we do that? My nine year old daughter wanted to see "Titanic". I saw it: it had nudity, it was a love story and a tragedy, and I felt strongly that it was inappropriate for her. But all her friends saw it, and she...

Battling the Bedtime Blues - Part 1

The holidays are over, and you have returned home from visiting the relatives. It's half-past nine in the evening and you've just put your daughter to bed. It's time to prop up your feet and listen to the new CD you got and relax. You close your eyes and...

"Mommy? Can I have another hug?"

You give her a hug, and send your pride and joy back to bed. You close your eyes once again and...

"Mommy? I forgot to tell you something..."

Why is it that at nine in the evening, the pitter-patter of little feet that you so yearned for before having children is...

Ready Or Not, Here Come The Holidays!

As the holidays approach, our thoughts may turn to traditional meals, beautiful decorations, and loving gatherings of family and friends. Unfortunately, the holidays can also usher in unrealistic expectations, heightened stress, family pressure and afterward, a bad case of the post-holiday blues.

How can we make the most of the positive aspects of the holiday season while minimizing its negative potential?

Minimizing the negative potential during the holidays simply requires a little preparation combined with some realistic expectations. To prepare...

Can Johnny Come Over To Play?

"I have a problem with one of my son's friends. He has absolutely no respect for the "house rules" when he comes over to play. After every playdate, the place is a wreck, with toys all over the place. He never picks up after himself, and my son ends up completely overwhelmed with the clean-up afterwards."

"My daughter has a friend that I like, but sometimes she does sneaky things when she comes over for a playdate. For example, she'll take one of my daughter's toys and hide it, then say `innocently' that she has no idea where it is and even pretends to...

School Days, School Days, Dear Old Golden Rule Days...

For most children going back to school almost always involves a certain amount of anxiety. As adults, the transition from summertime to school time seems relatively easy. After all, the date for the beginning of school has probably been part of our planning for the summer...we had to keep it in mind to plan vacations, many of us made alternate child care arrangements for the summer and now must release others from that responsibility. For children, however, the summer days flow endlessly one into the other and summertime is eternal. Thus, as school approaches in...

Different Ages, Different Rules?

Although the idea of having different rules in your household for your children who are different ages might seem self-evident, the actual implementation of those rules can be troublesome. Any parent who has tried, for example, to institute an earlier bedtime for their 6 year old when they have an 8 year old who stays up later will have heard the popular refrain "It's not fair!" more than once. In fact, the uprising that can occur when younger ones rebel often causes parents to crumble, allowing their younger children to have more flexible, lax or lenient rules...

Friendship

Many parents express intense concern over the way their children treat and are treated by friends. From "my child's so bossy, I'm worried that she'll never have any friends," to "my child doesn't stand up for himself, he always does what his friends want," and including "my child came home crying because his friends wouldn't let him join the soccer game," children's social lives, the form that they take, and the way in which they develop worry and distress parents.

"Kids are so cruel, won't that affect my child's self-esteem?" "My daughter was treated...

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